I just hate myself so much

Reasons why I hate myself:

  • I let people push me around because I’m scared to oppose them.
  • I let other people determine my self-worth. If someone dislikes me or does something to me that makes me think they dislike me (even if I know it was unintentional), I can literally feel my self-esteem drop.
  • I’m impatient.
  • I’m so judgemental even though I try to stop myself.
  • I’m constantly bored at everything.
  • I get distracted way too easily.
  • I overthink everything. On tests, when it comes to people and their actions, everything really.
  • I fall for the wrong people.
  • I can’t back out of a fight.
  • I constantly hide my true emotions. So instead all my negative feelings get bottled up inside me, making it worse.
  • I’m kind of clingy.
  • I’m too shy.
  • I hold way too many grudges.
  • I’m way too much of a perfectionist.
  • I procrastinate.

Yeah so if I ever have a job interview and they ask for negative things about me, I’ll just send them this list.

Sorry, I’m just feeling so ughhh today. I kind of want to cry it out but it’d just make me feel worse because I’ll feel like I’m overreacting and it really isn’t a big deal.


A Boring Ol’ Life Update

I’ve got 10 more days until my music history exam. Including today.

I have this really weird way of studying. Well, I guess it isn’t “weird” but it isn’t great. Basically, I’m trying to memorize all my essays word for word. But it works 🙂 And it’s actually easier for me to memorize that way. But it’s not really reliable because what if I get this random essay question that I never studied for? I already know just about what’s going to be on the exam, but my luck is like that. Also karma. I’m really regretting that time where I dropped my sister’s toothpaste on the ground and was too lazy to pick it up.

And I’m kind of freaking out, except I’m not doing anything about it. In fact, I’m not really doing anything except spending my days on the internet. I really want to read (because I get all my books from the library and they’re probably overdue now but I didn’t even finish them yet) but the internet distracts me. Also, the guiltiness of not studying (even though I feel guilty when I’m on the internet yet I don’t do anything about it). I can’t even doodle properly anymore. And that’s saying something because normally, I doodle way too much. And like before, the internet distracts me.

Funny thing is, I don’t even know what I do on the internet. Other than a few minutes on WordPress to catch up on posts (and maybe post something myself), and a bit of BuzzFeed, Gaia, and Youtube, there’s nothing else that I do regularly.

//That moment when you don’t even know what you do on the internet

I also keep on watching all of these cooking videos when I know I won’t even make anything. And I spent at least 15 minutes searching up how to put out a grease fire when I know I won’t even deep fry anything. But honestly, how are you supposed to turn off the heat when there’s a fire blocking the heat control thing (whatever it’s called). I just don’t want to burn myself… I’m kind of scared of fires… 😐

Anyways, just wanted to update you guys on my terrible study habits 🙂 Have a great day guys (or night…) 😀


Stepping on People’s Balloons and Other Asian Versions of Fun

-Life update post coming up!-

I’m doing this in a list because I like lists.

What I did yesterday:

  1. I went to a “duck park” for this Asian gathering.
  2. I saw so many people I knew from elsewhere so I spent a lot of time hiding from them and hoping they wouldn’t see me.
  3. One annoying girl I knew saw me and tackled me in a hug. -_- But afterwards she full on ignored me because that’s actually how she acts
  4. I ate a lot of food. It was a potluck. I made these amazing blueberry muffins. Unfortunately, my sister didn’t get to take one because they were SO good that everyone just had to get one for themselves. But then I found a random one just sitting on the counter and gave it to her. Hopefully, I didn’t ruin anyone’s dessert.
  5. Actually, all our food that we brought was amazing. They were gone in less than ten minutes. 🙂 Continue reading Stepping on People’s Balloons and Other Asian Versions of Fun

People I Hate

  1. Slow walkers
    What’s worse is when they walk in packs so there’s no way to get in front of them
  2. Little kids who have iPads
    I’m 14 and I don’t even have a phone yet… -_-
  3. Little kids who ask “why” constantly
    I wonder why too, kid. I wonder why too.
  4. Stinky people
    Please, have you heard of fucking deodorant before
  5. The clingy “friend”
    For some reason, this person never seems to get a hint. I mean, am I really a monster for wanting to hang out with my actual friends?
  6. People who fish for compliments
    Nope, putting yourself down all the time will not make people compliment you. I know, right? What a surprise! I never knew!
  7. People who are perfect at EVERYTHING… but they’re also nice making it impossible for them to hate Continue reading People I Hate

School’s Out!

…and I’m feeling a bit nostalgic.

I don’t know why. I was looking forwards to summer. I couldn’t wait until school ended. I wanted to be over with grade 8.

But now I feel kind of… lonely, even though my friends and I made a couple of plans for the summer. I feel like I’ll miss all of my friends. I feel like I’ll miss all of my enemies. I feel like I’ll miss talking to others. I feel like I’ll miss hating on others. (I’m not mean, I promise.) I feel like I’ll miss that guy who I never talked to but is leaving next year so I’m kind of stupid (ahem Izzy do you know who)

But I guess I’m excited for the many adventures I’ll have at home! For example, I can sleep, I can eat, and I can waste my life away on the internet! Yay!

Well, I have no idea what the point of this post was. Just to let my thoughts out, I guess?

Anyways, now that school is over, I’m already excited for next year, even though I know that it will be no different from this year. But even then I regret so many things from this year – things I did do as well as things that I didn’t. I guess I just want a fresh start next year.

As well, I’m excited for new people! Our school is really boring so I want a new person to come and spice it up a bit. There just really isn’t anything interesting happening here.

So there you go – the eternal struggle of Kitty. How during school, she wishes to be out, and how when school is out, she wishes it was the opposite. Sigh. If only things were different…

Well, as you can tell, I’m back!

Finals are all over! Now, the only thing I have to worry about is my parents’ rage after they see my marks 😀

I actually have two more days of school but we’re not actually doing anything except for some “school activities”. But most people in my grade will probably just skip. 😛 I won’t though… we have this year end party sort of thing that includes free food… the most important thing of my life. Also, I really want to make these two last days with my friends really count. 🙂

Currently, I’m really into secret spy agencies and would love to be a secret agent/cop when I grow up. You know, part of the FBI and such. Maybe even try for the Hostage Rescue Team. I don’t know, but the idea of being paid to save the lives of others really gets me. Like a professional hero. Yes, it’s dangerous, tiring (both physically and mentally), maybe even scary at times. But that just makes it more appealing to me.

Some people might say that I’m not good enough for something like this. Others might discourage it because of the risk it comes with it. But you do what you want and don’t let anyone stop you (thinking about Zootopia right now 🙂 ).

Anyways, what do you want to be when you grow up?

I Saw Someone’s Butt Today

Today I got to miss school because our string orchestra had a school tour. We had these two huge rented vans that drove us to each school. There were snacks and juice as well. :^)

There were only three first violinists (me!) because the rest had to miss this event due to exams and stuff. There were double the amount of second violinists which probably made our orchestra unbalanced but we had to make it work.

The first school we went to was pretty messed up. The lighting was terrible and my music stand was falling apart. And our group forgot to count at one part of a song and our conductor had to count out loud so we would come back together. :/

The second school was so weird. The kids actually knew the name of a Mozart song we played. And they were in elementary school. They even gasped and cheered when we announced that we would play that song. A CLASSICAL SONG. They weren’t even Asian :O Continue reading I Saw Someone’s Butt Today