Disappointment

Missing someone really sucks.

But it’s worse when you’re not missing the actual person… but perhaps more of the “idea” of the person. Or who they could’ve been. Or who they could’ve caused you to be.

Because without them, you’re lonely. And with them, you’re also lonely, because the person isn’t who you thought they were.

Imagine that you have a friend. Let’s call her Amy. Amy is seemingly perfect, but not in a way that makes you feel jealous. It’s more of in a way that inspires you. You look up to Amy. You want her to succeed. And not to mention that she’s a great friend too.

But then let’s say Amy screws up. Badly. No longer is she the friend you loved and looked up to. You dislike her now. You dread conversations, and when you do have one, you keep it as short and unforgiving as possible.

Finally, Amy takes the hint and backs off. She’s not your friend anymore and she’ll never be again. You’re glad, but deep inside, you still have this perfect image of her. You want to have a perfect image of her. But that’s not possible since she’s not. She’s far from perfect.

Maybe if one day, you might meet her again. But this time as strangers. Maybe this way things might end differently.

But right now, you’re just disappointed that that day would never come.

Someone once told me that sometimes people act a certain way just to charm others and bring them in, only to show their true selves afterwards. If that’s what Amy did, then she sure did a good job of it.

I never want to see my own Amy ever again. And if I do, I don’t know how I’ll deal with it. My Amy screwed up and in doing so, she messed up myself as well. I don’t know if I can ever get past this. But this part of me wishes that things could’ve been different.

I want Amy to be perfect. But she’s not, and I’ll just have to deal with that.

And even though I don’t think I ever liked her in the first place, it doesn’t change the fact that I still miss her.

-Kitty